Most people talk about red flags in regard to dating, but let me tell you, there can be some serious red flags raised with some so-called friends that will tell you to severe that relationship immediately.
And how to cut ties with someone? I will tell you what the quickest and easiest way to end any relationship. End all communication. That’s it. Let me tell you a story.
I had a small second wedding with about 40 guests; we only included people who were the closest to us. For my husband it was his first wedding, and he wanted the full experience. We planned an amazing wedding, and we splurged on the small number of guests we have invited; we chose to have the best of everything and preferred to compromise on the number of people there. Included in that group was someone I thought was a close friend.
She called me only a couple of days before the wedding and asked if she can change who her plus one will be. It was inconvenient, as we already had the place cards printed and the gifts for the guests ready, and we had different ones for ladies and for gentlemen. Instead of bringing her boyfriend, she decided to bring her best friend, who was female. I simply said no problems, then rushed to get an extra place card printed and get another gift ready. Â
On the day, she simply did not turn up. No call or text, nothing. Being the bride, I was so busy with everything else, I didn’t even notice that she wasn’t there, until the wedding planner quietly whispered in my ear during the photo shoot asking if it’s ok to move a couple of chairs at the reception, so it doesn’t look like that there is a gap.
The next morning I was a bit concerned and checked my phone again to see if there are any messages from her, but there weren’t. I was just about to call her to see if she’s ok, when I thought I’ll check Facebook, and there she was, posting like nothing happened, selfies, funny memes, etc.
So, I did what everyone should do, I unfriended and blocked her on all social media platforms, and I blocked her number.
Really, there is no explanation that she could have given me that would have been acceptable, so I simply decided to cut her off cold. I have not spoken to her since.
She made no effort to get in touch with me and this was 7 and a half years ago. You might think that it is a bit difficult when I blocked her everywhere, but trust me, where there’s a will, there’s a way. We did have common friends and I simply never heard from her since.
The way I look at it is that the trash took itself out and I’m one fake friend lighter, but this got me thinking. What are the signs you should be looking out for feeling that a friendship is a bit one-sided?
Your friend often asks for favours or money. I have a few friends who asked for a loan once, then paid me back, and there is no problem with that. Asking for the second time will get me a bit curious, especially if I know that the person is buying items that are not necessary. More than twice, it will be a hard no. If you’re not good with money, you need to educate yourself.
Your friend never contacts you, unless you contact them. This is a very one-sided relationship, and you need to test it out by not contacting them and see what happens. Are they going to contact you in a month? Six months? A year? Are they even going to realise that you have gone silent? You have to let these people go because when they finally do contact you, it will be most likely because they want something.
Your friend will not accept when you say no to something. Let it be going out when you’re busy, borrowing something, or any other request that does not sit well with you. They pester you, annoy you and won’t take no for an answer. You have to stand really firm here. If you give in, it will simply send the message that pestering you about something will work and you will be harassed all the time about things you have already said no to.
Your friend is a liability when you go out together. Are you expected to be the sensible one and ensure that your drunk friend gets home? Did you have to foot the bill more than once because your friend forgot their wallet and they never end up paying you back? Do you have to apologise for your friend’s behavour to strangers? It’s time to say no to any outing with this person.
Your friend asks to borrow items then does not return them, returns them damaged or incomplete. Did you ever have to ask someone to return something borrowed? You should never be put in that situation; it makes you feel like you are the bad guy when you should never be put in a scenario as such. Generally, when people don’t return borrowed items it can be for a couple of reasons. They either want to keep it and hope you have forgotten about it, they lost it and too embarrassed to admit or lost part of it and don’t want to replace it. Either way, these are not friends you want to keep around.
Your friend is not being honest with you. Let me make this straight; this does not mean that they have to tell you everything, it simply means that they shouldn’t lie. If you ask someone to catch up for coffee and they tell you that they can’t because they have the flu, but then you see their social media posts having the time of their life elsewhere, it will ring alarm bells. And so it should. Why not just be honest and say that other plans were already made. The only reason to do this is if there is something they want to hide from you.
Your friend becomes friends with your other friends then tries to exclude you. This is an absolute no no. Yes, I do have friends who I introduced to each other, and they get along well, but I would definitely take offence if they would go out without me, and I wasn’t invited. I would probably end up with two ex-friends.
Your friend doesn’t know when to leave as a guest. Oh boy. This is one of my pet peeves. Sometimes I avoid inviting certain people over because I know if they come, they will sit around, and I will have to make excuses to get them out of the house. This is so much easier if you are from Eastern Europe. There is an unwritten code. Guests will try to leave every hour and it is up to the host to strongly trying to convince them to stay or to say, ‘It was nice to see you, we should do this again soon’. Under no circumstances a guest could expect to stay the night if this was not prearranged.
Your friend contacts you crazy hours and gets upset when you don’t respond. First of all, you have to ensure that the people who really matter are on your emergency contact list. This means that even if your phone is on silent in the middle of the night, it will ring. In which case, don’t get upset, you have added them to that list for a reason. If they abuse this privilege and you get some meaningless drunk calls, you are the one who needs to rethink if they should be on that list. If it happens frequently, you might want to rethink a friendship where one party does not know boundaries.
Your friend can only talk about themselves and never asks about you. If this happens, you are simply being used as a psychologist who is not being paid. I’m not saying that I don’t have friends who vent, and I’m very happy to be there for them, but there has to be a balance. If you frequently get text messages like ‘well this just happened’ without even the basic greeting or asking how you’re doing, isn’t this relationship very one-sided?
PLUS ONE: Your friend flirts with your partner. These are friends that become ex-friends after one occasion. I cannot say that this has ever happened to me, but I have a close friend whose friend became very close to someone she was dating (she caught them red handed) and then the friend blamed alcohol and thought that all will be forgiven. Let me make this straight; you will never be able to stop strangers to flirt with your partner and I suggest taking it as a compliment. It means you have chosen well. But if anyone who knows you even tries, you need to cut them off immediately; your friendship will not survive this kind of disrespect.
Well, this is my list but let me know if you think I missed anything. Cherish the great friends you have but, but with the rest, be merciless and cut, unfriend and block. Better to have a small circle of quality friends than having lots of friends where some disrespects you.
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Gabi
xx
