10 signs that you are co-dependent, and you need to change immediately

You only feel ok if the other person is ok

If this is the case, most likely it is a long-term effect of being associated with a narcissist. Some people have the tendency of trying to make everyone feel bad when they feel bad. Instead of handling a situation as an adult, they will start picking on others, until everyone around them feel anxious and forced to walk on eggshells, which will give them the satisfaction they seek.

When you live with such a person, you will develop a very highly tuned sense about their mood, and you will try to adjust yours to match theirs as fast as you can. You become co-dependent. Unfortunately, if you don’t do this and remove yourself from the situation, they will find someone else to push to the limit.

You need to stop now. The bad news is that you will not be able to adjust this person’s behaviour, not even in extreme cases. They will not stop, even if there is a solid chance that they will lose you in the process.

Your happiness depends on the other person

Some people can be perfectly happy being single, but I also know that there are the ones who are very much relationship people and only feel happy when they have someone by their side. The amount of times I heard ‘I’ll be happy when I find my person’ is way too many and unfortunately these are the people who often end up in the wrong relationship. Being single is better than being with the wrong person, but for some people it is hard to function when they are alone.

When you are in the wrong relationship, you either try to control the other person (which never works) to change him to be who you want him to be, or you will change yourself to be who he wants you to be. They are both very damaging and are a clear indication that you are in the wrong place.

You are desperate to get along and shy away from any kind of disagreement

There is a big difference between letting some small things slide, and fully adjusting your lifestyle to suit someone else. You don’t wear certain colours because your partner does not like them, even if you do. You only take vacations at places he approves of. You don’t eat certain foods because he hates them. Your house only reflects his taste and there is nothing personal present that is special to you.

When you try to add your own personality and taste to anything, you will encounter major resistance and a long lecture on why his choice is better than yours. In the end, you will yield, not just to keep the peace, but also because you are really tired of the lectures and by now you know, that for you, this is an unwinnable situation.

You are constantly looking for personal validation

Do you find that you are constantly running everything passed your partner? There are big decisions that requires an input from both of you; you will have to be on the same page on things such as buying a house, moving to a different city, most decisions regarding the kids, if you have them. On the other hand, if you must consult with your partner regarding what to wear for a dinner out, what to eat, how to style your hair, or how to behave, you are giving him a very unhealthy power over you.

If you are constantly feeling unsure, unless he has had his input, you are in trouble.  After a while, he will be expecting to be consulted on everything, no matter how small, and even when the outcome does not affect him.

You take care of others while neglecting yourself

When your partner’s needs always take priority before yours, after a while you will be nothing more than a glorified servant. Why is looking after yourself before anyone else is so important? Because when you are neglected, either physically or emotionally, you will not be able to look after anyone else.

Are you making elaborate dinners for him when you hardly had anything to eat all day? Are you buying him expensive luxury items, when your clothes come from the op-shop? Does he have a lot more gifts under the Christmas tree than anyone else? Does he spend money on going out with his friends while you stay at home trying to save? There is a very disproportionate distribution of relationship happiness here.

You are making excuses for your partner's bad behaviour

If you need to make excuses for your partner’s repulsive behaviour to your friends and family, or maybe even to his friends and family, you know that something is really out of alignment here. It is even worse, if you genuinely believe that there is an excuse.

He had a bad day, he’s got a cold, he didn’t get the promotion he wanted, or could not afford the designer label all his friends have; it is all just an excuse not having to behave like a responsible adult, but to spit the dummy like an infant.

When you are making excuses for him, you are validating his behaviour, and he will learn that it is ok to misbehave, because you will not only forgive him, but you will defend him against the whole world.

You hide your own feelings to avoid criticism

Are you being criticised when having a bad day (because you should just snap out of it), when you are sick (you deserve it because you did not look after your health), when you’re a bit out of shape (your job is to always look like a supermodel, while being responsible for everything else as well) or even when you breathe a bit too loud (just stop breathing please).

When you start hiding being sick for example, because you know that instead of love and care you will receive criticism, you know that something is seriously wrong.

When your partner never asks how’re you doing, or does ask but doesn’t really expect a real response (it is really just a gateway so he can tell you about his day), you will start hiding whatever you is going on. It may not make any difference at all, which is the better option, or you will get criticised for it.

You suffer to accommodate others

When you put yourself in situations that cause you harm, whether physical, emotional or mental, you know you are doing something wrong. Accommodating others should only happen if you are happy to do so, and it does not interfere with your own life.

Why would you go hiking just to please your partner when you’re sick? Why would you wear an outfit that you feel uncomfortable in, just because he said so? Or not wear a coat when you’re too cold, just so he can show off the outfit he bought for you?

You need to be realistic and start thinking what suits you, before anyone else.

You don’t think that you will be ok by yourself

While humans are social creatures, and we need interaction with others, it is not something that you should suffer for. You have family and friends, and while it’s great to have a partner, you can be perfectly happy without one.

Not only that you will be ok alone, you can thrive, and you can be happy. You need to start seeing the positive side of life without anyone putting any restrictions on you and do whatever makes you happy.

You don’t realise that no one is coming to save you

There is no knight in shining armour around the corner. You are your own hero. You need to learn to rely on yourself only. Yes, I know how hard it is, but I also know how proud you will be that you got things sorted all alone. It gives you a very special power. Use it.

Gabi

xx